grammatically shy

sometimes i just wanna let out this mountain of emotion within my weary self. i wanna release every hurt, every pain, every insecurity and abandon it. as long as it's still there...residing in my heart, I cannot breathe deep, I cannot see clear, or think straight. i feel overwhelmed and unsure. my direction and compass breaks down...fades out of the picture that used to be clear. i want to run away...but my heartache would always appear on every side...I cannot escape what lives inside. it needs to be dissected out of me. freedom from within. liberty to control my thoughts, actions and my reactions. i want a change. a renovation. i keep losing...where can i find what i lost? the strength to speak from my heart. i need to decide who i am today. i wanna be love.

I Know

My sister, cousin and I wrote a song a few years ago for our album called "Closer to You", called "I Know". The lyrics to the chorus are

I know, I know that you are near
I'll cry to you so I may be right where you are
I know, I know that you're not far
I'll reach for you just like the tree stretches for the sun

bridge:

Your rays of love
Your rays of peace
Your rays of hope
are getting through to me

Like so many Christian songs, this song can easily be taken as a light, fun, pop/contemporary song. However, the words "I Know" can speak volumes to someone who is facing circumstances of uncertainty, confusion and an underlying fear of the unknown. Worry can easily creep into our lives, and suck the life right out of us. It has a tendency to take up residence inside of us and can begin to dictate our every thought, action and even our attitude toward everything. To say the words "I know"...is to speak out in faith. You know, but you don't know. You don't know what you don't know. The mystery of the unknown should drive us toward realizing what we do know. We can rest assured and find peace in knowing God loves each one of us. His love flows endlessly, and freely. The love of God has the ability to give us confidence in the future. Don't let the bad outweigh the good in your life. Depend on the loving kindness of God, daily. He is faithful to complete a good work in each one of us. So, today, you might have had the whole world seemingly working against you in every way possible, but know this: God is bigger, better, and stronger. His goal is to see you succeed and to enjoy every minute. To have a peace in knowing that you'll be ok, no matter what...not only empowers you to strive for the best, but it grants you more time as opposed to worry. Worry can waste a lifetime.

Phil. 4:6-8 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9 Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Live your life to the fullest...and remember what you DO know. God is there, whether you invited him or not.

Everything is falling to peices.

It's a bright sunny day, and I am feeling so sad and lonely. So many unexpected circumstances...so many unknowns...so much confusion. I don't need answers, I just need peace. I want peace more than anything. My mind is going a mile a minute...trying to think through everything...but it's no use. This is just one of those days...one of those times. I will get through this, though.

Naivety

Here is what I know:

- I am responsible for my own life
- I make my own choices based on various factors, many of which have to do with goals, morals, well-being, and an overall responsibility to live the best way I know how.
- I am loved by a few if not several fellow human beings, some of which are family.
- Those loving human beings tend to have an opinion and sometimes a say in some of my choices, therefore my future.
- There is no human who knows best.
- God knows best.
- I can only know God's best by acquiring information about who He is.
- The Bible lends itself to my inquiring mind and search for God facts.
- If a fellow human suggests I delve deeper into something(s) that contradicts advice from this helpful reading material, the Bible, I am forced to make a choice.
- I decide to follow the One who knows me, knows humans, knows the now, knows the later, knows best. The One who is perfection, is love, is grace, is forgiveness, is gentleness, is faithfulness, is looking out for me 24-7.

This reasoning has nothing to do with religion, or even faith...more just reason and common sense. So many question Why? And I say, why not? I don't think I'm naive, I think I am intelligent enough to avoid the world's traps and schemes, in order to survive to the best of my ability. I choose physical, mental, and spiritual health. That's important to me.

Don't let anyone convince you that your lifestyle isn't how it ought to be, if you know you are seeking the truth above everything else. If you're holding close to the Word of Life you are holding onto Truth.

Something about a roof?

Ugh! I had to wake up at 5am this morning!!! Gross! We had to drive 2 hrs west to the city of London, to sing at a church this morning. The church was awesome. royalview.org.

We met up with this amazing girl, Leah, for lunch. She works for Compassion International, which is a wonderful organization that CA fully supports and promotes. Anyway, Leah is just one of those girls who is so easy to get along with. She became an instant friend, for sure! We hung out with her, and made our way over to U of Western Ontario...great place! We played at the bar in the uni. A group of people hold an event Sunday nights called Raise the Roof (I think) and it's a ton of fun. Tonight we played an acoustic set...it was awesome...my fav kind of shows!

DJ Brett...pumped up the music and everyone was dancing...later on in the evening...it was awesome!! Seriously! If you weren't there, you missed out on such a fun time!! Anyway...I am going to catch some sleepage!

night

p.s. it's posting my posting time wrong. Add 3 hours to the displayed posting time. Cause it's 1:45am right now. March 31.

A Good Cause

Today I read a book called "Never Let it End" by Ruth Bell Graham. It's a compilation of her reflections on life, love and marriage. She wrote so many poems to release her emotions throughout her life. One of the poems I read was especially beautiful and meaningful. She expresses her take on love and what it's made of. So I am going to include it.

You look at me
and see
my flaws;
I look at you
and see flaws, too.
Those who love,
know love
deserves
a second glance;
each failure serves
another chance.
Love looks to see,
beyond the scars
and flaws
the cause;
and scars become
an honorable badge
of battles fought
and won -
(or lost) but fought!
The product,
not the cost,
is what love sought.

***

God help us see
beyond the now
to the before,
and note with tenderness
what lies between
- and love the more!



I guess I just find that poem to be so beautiful! Ruth Graham has such a unique way with her words. She communicates with so much meaning attached to her words.

From a very early age I have been so intrigued by the idea of marriage. I would analyze my parents' relationship, and try to detect their feelings from day to day. I would observe their conversations, and I could easily sense when there was tension. I was curious for many reasons, but mainly because I couldn't fathom the idea of two strangers randomly meeting, falling in love, getting married, and from there on in, sharing everything. The whole concept is bizarre. When you're a kid, you are naturally inclined to selfish behavior. Sharing gets placed in the same category as eating vegetables. It's out of the question. I always wondered if Grandma Walker REALLY liked mom or not. They seemed to get along quite well, but there were times I just wasn't certain. Same goes for my mom's parents towards dad. Maybe I was just overanalyzing situations. I have always been good at that. Anyway, my parents are still happily married, and after all these years of me being a faithful observer, you would think I would know the ropes. K, well I totally don't! I'm still baffled by the idea of exchanging vows because you are pretty sure you love this former stranger, but you don't FULLY know because you haven't spent a lifetime with them, learning something new each day. I'm not trying to be a negative nancy here, but it seems to me it's a huge risk involving plenty of work. And yet, my parents still make marriage look like it's a piece of cake. I suppose it all depends on so many countless factors, such as attitude, cooperation, perspective, willingness, faithfulness, determination, and the overall common goal. There needs to be an understanding of what is to be accomplished between a husband and a wife. I think that makes the risk worth taking. When there's a will, there is a way to accomplish. To fight through, knowing and remembering why you chose each other in the first place. So, I think marriage can stir fear in some, excitement in others, but either way it has the potential to paint an incredible picture of Christ's love.

Fabulous Friends

I have had some incredible friends come into my life, and I am so thankful! They have been encouraging to me, and they have stayed close. There is nothing more exciting than a few fresh friends! I am so blessed! God always provides, I don't have to worry.

Terribly Mistaken

“If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools” - Katherine Mansfield

somebody loved

I understand that I could be dating and should be dating, but for some reason, I am resistant. Am I expecting too much? I would love to be pursued by someone who is taken by me. A man who loves his relationship with God more than any other in his life. Someone who isn't afraid to love only me. He doesn't have another girl in his back pocket, in case. He has made up his mind about me. But more than anything, I want a best friend.

Time abuser

I get along best with agreeable people. The ones who are open to talking about anything under the sun. They pay attention to your every word and thought. They make genuine eye contact and never let go. They don't turn conversations into debates. They comment, but never argue. They make you feel adequate and worthwhile.

Obviously, I can't customize another's personal opinions, reactions, or interactions, but I feel like I do have a say. I can pick and choose who I engage in conversation with. I don't care to waste time speaking with someone who thinks they know everything about everything. Someone who is close minded to the world. Someone is afraid to open up and allow others to care about them. Someone who constantly refers to the past and assumes the future will bring similar bad experiences.

I had an amazing time with some new friends yesterday! They were what I consider real conversationalists. No personal agenda, just there to have a good time. Those type of people make life sweeter.

“Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you.” - William Arthur Ward